If you want to have a child you'll do everything possible and impossible to reach your goals. Nowadays surrogacy motherhood becomes very popular among male couples. This way to get a child is very difficult but it's worth all the efforts and atempts. To my mind it's very important to find a common language with a surrogacy mother, because I believe all the emotions, views and attitudes of a mother are transferred to a child. If you are in good relations with a mother, you transfer through her everything good you want to give to a baby. But is it difficult to find a common language with a surrogate mother?!
Last edited by Adam on Fri Jul 15, 2016 8:43 am, edited 1 time in total.
I think you should just be supportive and don’t irritate her with a thousand of unnecessary questions to bond good relationships with your surrogacy mother. It goes without saying that physical and psychological state of the surrogacy mother has a great influence on the baby. So caring about your surrogacy mother you care about your baby. If you have chosen this woman to give birth to your baby so be patient and not criticize her anyway. Try to understand that she wants to give birth to the healthy child as much as you do. It is her job and agency takes everything under control. So it is not useful to interfere.
Be patient. You know when you meet new people you try to do everything for them to like you. The same is with a surrogate mother, and it is even more difficult. Try to support her when she needs you. Try to be with her every minute she wants, but at the same times you should keep some distance. Try to give her everything she wants, but do it as if you really care about her. Try to persuade her that you're near not just because she will give birth to your baby, but because you're a good person and you really want to be her friend. Maybe you should start to do something new together, like attending theatres or even kneeting. But know the measures. Be near and keep the distance!
How are these relations being built at all - between the surrogate mother - and the person who is using her "services"? I did not have the experience in that yet - so maybe someone is going to tell me? the surrogate mother is being chosen though the clinic as I understand. Is it necessary to communicate with her at all? I understand that it would be "ethical"and polite, but is this really necessary? And what about the time after the birth? Does she keep any kind of rights for the baby? No parental rights, as I know - but the right to see the child, for example? Actually I have big doubts that women who take this "job" are happy in their lives. I cannot imagine why would a happy and healthy woman would do that - born the child for someone else.
Surrogacy program has given me a son. I have gone through whole program thanks for the agency. It was not a problem for me to find a common language with our surrogate mother, the agency manager has done everything for it. I communicated with her only about positive aspects of the procedure. All my worries I have discussed with our manager and he talked to the surrogate mother about it by himself. The agency cared about mother’s health and didn’t want to worry her. It helps to avoid any difficulties in communication with surrogacy mother and find a common language with her. So don’t hesitate and rely on the surrogacy agency.
maybe you would think that i am weird but i just see no point iт finding a common language with the surrogate. you do not have to be friends or something like that. you do not have to control her, all this does the agency instead you. she just has to understand that you are worth having the child and that is it, you ahev to show that you are serious enough to be responsible for someone's life. i even know that some agencies do not let parents communicate with the surrogate mother in private life, it is allowed only in the clinic.
Adam wrote: because I believe all the emotions, views and attitudes of a mother are transferred to a child.
Adam, you are not completely right saying that. If you are speaking of the genetics - then you should distinguish the surrogate mother and the egg donor. Those may be different people - and in my opinion they MUST be different people in case if you are going to take the kid, if you are a part of the gay couple - and you do not want the surrogate mother to play any further role in the life of the child. You must know who will be pregnant with your kid - I mean to know her as the person, that is for sure. But I do not really believe that the emotions of the surrogate mother really do influence on the kid.. That was not proven scientifically, so in my opinion it does not really matter.
If my memory serves me right, surrogacy agencies makes everything possible to help you to find a common language with a surrogate mother. They arrange you meetings after preparing your and surrogate mother for the conversation. They check surrogate mother background and try to choose one that is perfect for you to avoid any conflicts. I think you can rely on the surrogacy agency in this case.
First of all you should be yourself. Of course you should do everything for her to like you, but if you're honest and open it'll be much easier! Also don't treat her like a woman who has a rather strange job. You don't know all the circumstances which made her to become a surrogate mother though in major cases women simply need money. Try to be patient, don’t' irritate her by constant visits or telephone calls. Imagine that you are on her place. Think about of what you wanted then. Maybe you should even start doing something together. Visit the doctors together, but only if it won't bother her, though you have the right. But try to behave in a human way.
The good news are that you do not need to look for any "common language" with the surrogate mother at all. Because the policy of the most clinics simply forbid the clients to communicate with her. And there is a lot of wisdom in such policy. there were many occasions when surrogate mothers violated their commitments towards the couples, and attempted to leave the child to themselves. Paul, a guy from this forum, wrote a story about that somewhere around... And it is good that this time it ended up without any problems. the "profession" of the surrogate mother is pretty much controversial at all. I would prefer not to mix the business and personal relations in this case.
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